*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I am, perchance
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.