@The_CamGirl

ME: I love the D
HER:Why?
ME:I love to lick them first
HER:…
ME:Then I love to swallow them
HER:…
ME:I love D

Dunkin’ Donuts Interview

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@mom_ontherocks

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

@duumb

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

@msdanifernandez

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

@KoKeniSasquatch

I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.

A cat is like having a permanent teenager.

@Cpin42

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

@coryrichardson_

cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar

me: i don’t have any money

cashier: then put it back

me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us

@whereami18

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

@man_spach

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE