Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do