My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
ME: I love the D
ME:I love to lick them first
ME:Then I love to swallow them
ME:I love D
Dunkin’ Donuts Interview
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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.
A cat is like having a permanent teenager.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar
me: i don’t have any money
cashier: then put it back
me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE