me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
You Might Also Like
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse