My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
ME: I love u
ME: and I wanna be with u always
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
ME: Why are you leaving?
WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago
ME: Manhasset been that long?
Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.