@mynameisntdave

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

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@TheTweetOfGod

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

@KaufmanAudrey

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

@Sickayduh

ME: Why are you leaving?

WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago

ME: Manhasset been that long?

@FreshTerritory

You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.

@heidi420x

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

@Megatronic13

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

@bingowings14

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.