ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
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Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there