Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

☠️☠️☠️

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.