Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Bros before Ohioes
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex