Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.