You Might Also Like

@calluptome

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

@thecoliny

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

@ChaseMit

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

@SamGrittner

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

@ewfeez

I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money

@ericsshadow

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

@Barknado69

Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”

@canadian_makin

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

@PatsATweetin

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here