me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
You Might Also Like
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke