My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Can Happiness buy money?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home