Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
You Might Also Like
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”