Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
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can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️