I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.