Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform