Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
remember
only for emergencies
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Fries, not lies.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ