Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.