Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Herpes is trending, good job people
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it