every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber
WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
*Dad cries with joy
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!