@ericsshadow

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

You Might Also Like

@thenoahkinsey

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

@Mr_Kapowski

If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber

@ibid78

WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon

@david8hughes

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

@lynnbixenspan

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

@Epygma

[Dads birthday]
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks around
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
-What son?
*Dad cries with joy

@rhysjamesy

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!