*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
⛄️
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.