@LosLos__

Me: I love you, too…umm…

[Wife says her name]

Me: See? After all these years we’re still finishing each other’s sentences.

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@causticbob

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

@puppy_eggs

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

@TheMichaelRock

Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?

@PaperWash

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

@ehdannyboy

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

@earthfalcon33

PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

@realHamOnWry

As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.