I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
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*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.