You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
oh u like history? name everything that happened
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
As the Lord intended
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4