JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: I love you with my hole heart.
Wife: Wrong hole.
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Cashier: would you like a receipt?
Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.
This is how I win fights too