Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.