Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
You Might Also Like
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
BaD BoY!!
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”