my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
You Might Also Like
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?