Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*