Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
😍😂🥰😂😍
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.