Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
You Might Also Like
Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.
[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.
person: what is your dog’s name
me: he won’t say