@panmidwest

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

You Might Also Like

@AndrewsNotFunny

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

@HallpassCanada

Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.

@KeetPotato

[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son

@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

@iwearaonesie

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

@kentgrossarth

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

@Diversion50

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

@Reverend_Scott

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

@AmyLouise84D

The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.