Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.