Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

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I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.


For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.


A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.


Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.


Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.


College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.


ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.


Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.


What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be