I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
You Might Also Like
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
In hell your laundry is all fitted sheets.
What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be