me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight