@pittdave13

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

You Might Also Like

@thatcarlygirl

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

@Thynebear

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

@bingowings14

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

@UnFitz

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

@TattleTSister

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

@savvystrider

My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.