Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
kitchen magnet
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning