@Gupton68

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

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@mattingebretson

As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”

@phaggots

[texting my girlfriend]

wyd?

“Just finished my homework”

Cool, Send a pic (; ?

*gf sends a nude*

Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!

@Cheeseboy22

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

@AndrewChamings

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

@Home_Halfway

DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she’d be your sister!
DATE’S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she’s 5
DATE’S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn’t look born yet

@ChipKellysBalls

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

@withanewname

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

@DiscoFruit

[first date]
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?

@MattBellassai

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

@jenyb4

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.