Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.