Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
couldn’t resist
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
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Morningbreath
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