Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

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WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF


I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.


*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.


“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter


Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?


I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet


7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon.

Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.


What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?