Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
guys I’m going home
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
🙂🐾
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’M CRYINGGG
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️