Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

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X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…


My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.


Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine


Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”


Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.


I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.


I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!