Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.