Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
ME: I miss you
KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.
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ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.
Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.
3: That’s because I flushed.
*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
My voicemail greeting:
Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.
Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.
*pops jean jacket collar*
I got marmalaid.
When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.