Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”splegge”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3712632145/b42e5b52982e2f605a51020437381519_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325988470726221824″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”91″;s:5:”tweet”;s:96:”If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.


My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime


Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!


*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*


You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.


Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.


I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I’m broke, but still a little fancy.


Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs


Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were