@CliffDuffy

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

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@TuSoonShakur

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

@bourgeoisalien

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

@BunAndLeggings

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

@One_FineMess

Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

@superdollman

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

@TheHatStore

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

@anjeanettec

Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.