Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Lunatics are gonna loon.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.