The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.