Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me: I’m a confident driver
Friend: You almost just ran someone over
Me: Confidently tho
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]