Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
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*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.