Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…


“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down


Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash


[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”


Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.


If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.


Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to


“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child


I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.