Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
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Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*