You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
*thousands of people turn around*
Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.