@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

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@AnniemuMary

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

@myonlymizztake

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

@mitchysuch

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

@EndhooS

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

@Shelts99

Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next

@somecleverthing

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

@BeCoco77

I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”

@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

@ohen39

“Hey!”

*thousands of people turn around*

Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.