Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
You Might Also Like
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep