me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
What
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I don’t get marriage
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”