Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
*weighs self after shaving
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.