Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
This is nice.
This is also pretty cool.
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I am sick of seahorses being called horses. They are not horses. Let’s call them what they are; tiny fish lizards that stole my wife
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.