@Swan_Corleone2

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

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@shannon2703

Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.

@thejamietighe

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

@ladybroseph

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

@LlamaInaTux

I am sick of seahorses being called horses. They are not horses. Let’s call them what they are; tiny fish lizards that stole my wife

@Social_Mime

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

@envydatropic

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

@daemonic3

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.