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life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
You deplete me
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies