me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

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I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.


I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?


Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.


My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.


[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.


ghosts just aren’t spooking rich people into charity like they used to


According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now


I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.


Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.