@Skoog

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

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@LadyBombs

I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.

@Artemis_Ascends

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@CelebrityChez

My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.

@JB4Realz

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

@jpbrammer

ghosts just aren’t spooking rich people into charity like they used to

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

@shanethevein

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

@caaataclysm

Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.