How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter
everyone (sunbathing in february): ok
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.
me: will i go to jail in the future
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register