@RobbyActually

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

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@Squizbot

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

@jergarl

I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.

@weinerdog4life

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

@iwearaonesie

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

@jlock17

I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD’S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD’S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS

@Marlebean

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@UncleDuke1969

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

@_mindflakes

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life