@mortimermaiden

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

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@ch000ch

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

@wingzfly

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

@Brianhopecomedy

Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.

@gogglepossum

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

@mackswift

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

@sad_jake

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

@PaperWash

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

@ClichedOut

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck