Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
You Might Also Like
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Breaking news:
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.