Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

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i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before


Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.


Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.


Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus


Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.


damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about


4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!


4: Unless I had ketchup.


If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.


HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky


ME: into a semi truck