Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
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Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14